Those readers who are in a stable relationship, who are young and want to learn, or who are growing older and yet want their lives to go on from strength to strength are hereby given a firm and binding new order. From this moment on all restrictions are lifted. You are set free and unfettered. From now on you are permitted, by doctor and teacher, to enjoy sex, to become more sexual than ever,.. to experiment, branch out and find the pleasure and security sex offers.
It will be clear to everyone right from the outset that this book is very, very different. In fact, it would not surprise me, if, like myself, you come to rate it as one of the most exceptional books you have ever read.
For most of us the great difficulties with sex are 'who do you learn it from' and 'who can you go to for advice?' Despite all recent improvements very few academic facilities offer true sex education. Those that do usually offer 'out-of-the-book' courses given by tutors with entrenched ideas of one kind or another and almost no wide personal experience. Indeed, one of the major problems with the whole field is that sex education is a theory course with precious little in the way of a practical curriculum. This mechanical teaching is, arguably, better than nothing, - but not much. Commonly enough the teachers learn more from their students than vice versa.
Apart from the few people lucky enough to get even these kinds of courses the huge majority of people learn nothing whatsoever about practical sex. Most people pick up shreds of information from parents, other adults, other kids, or, later on, from their friends and acquaintances. Of course, most of these sources are just as much in the dark so that does not help a lot. From all these isolated bits and dubious pieces the average person forms his or her opinion of sex,.. one of the most important things in the world that will be sure to affect his or her life. There can be no other subject so vital that has been so ignored and deliberately neglected by the education platform. It is a moral judgement upon us all that we have been, hitherto, prepared to send our beloved offspring out into the great, wide world, virtually unprepared in this most significant field; it is a neglect that is deplorable in its shameful and callous disregard.
Thousands of books, magazine articles and newspaper columns must appear every year giving some sort of sexual advice to avid readers. The level of knowledge of the writers being generally so small it is little wonder that what they write is either worthless, misleading or just plain wrong. Furthermore, many of the writers are deeply activated by unsavoury motives,- political, social, moral or religious, - so much so that their material is patently biased.
In general, the medical profession's training for doctors is very unhelpful concerning matters of sex. The rigours of their training and supervision superimposed on their own highly-educated but fragile egos and prejudiced opinions makes this so. Additionally, most of them too, have far too little practical sexual experience of their own on which to draw.
The same is true almost everywhere you look. For the fact is very different from the appearance. The appearance is that there is loads of sex about everywhere. And the fact is that in spite of all the talk about sex, when all is said and done, far, far more has been said than done. Excluding the handful of truly promiscuous individuals, - and they are a mere handful, - most people today have had only a scant few sexual partners in a lifetime. Many of those have been in very brief relationships. Many have been separated by long intervals. Very, very few people indeed have had above a dozen such temporary partners. In no way at all does that add up to the experience essential in a good teacher.
And that is why this book is so very different. I know the writer of this book and I can tell you that he not only has the knowledge and the wisdom. He does have the personal experience to go with it. And so do his co-contributors. Between them they have proved unique in producing a data-and-guide book full of wisdom, good sense and practical advice. I compliment them and I have been proud to be asked for this foreword.
Morgan Fortress-Holmes is an unusual man, - and an extraordinarily unusual doctor. His interest in Sexual Medicine, - though not his personal interest in sex, began when, as a recently qualified British doctor of medicine, he served the obligatory two years in the nation's armed forces. Posted on active service to one of the more remote and dangerous zones of the dwindling British Empire he observed at first hand the problems arising in virile young men totally deprived of normal sexual facilities. Most of those men, he learned, had typically little or no personal experience. He, on the other hand, already had behind him almost ten years of dedicated enjoyment of sex, - which, all his life, had been his favourite hobby. He found the difference more than disconcerting.
During the compiling of this book no member of the Editorial Board ever once heard 'MF' proclaim any sexual prowess. However, after being pressed for academic data on one occasion, the board assessed from his estimates, casually supplied, that, at the time of his marriage, his personal experience, if every legal kind of sex was included, probably ranked him as approximately one man in 20 - 25,000. It already extended to over two hundred female partners.
Since that time the doctor's professional knowledge and explorations have enabled him to amass a rarely-equaled and almost never surpassed personal spectrum of familiarity with every aspect of sex. Apart from having written some thirty books he was on the Editorial Board of the British Journal of Sexual Medicine for many years. He has run his own elite clinics including in London's fashionable Harley Street where, as a daily event, he encountered the problems of the very rich,.. including entertainment stars, top executives, high-ranking officers and members of both Houses of Parliament. He has done many hundreds of interviews, radio, TV and film appearances.
A male writer can never write properly and fully from a woman's angle. At best he can repeat what he's heard or write down his own often wishful imaginings and interpretations. A doctor like 'MF' Holmes though, with over thirty five years experience in Sexual Medicine has a better chance. For he has been closer to women's truths, has heard more of their stories, and learned more of their feelings than almost anyone.
This amount of experience, knowledge and personal acquaintance with his subject, we feel, more than qualifies him to be Chairman of our Editorial Board and for the task of writing, compiling and editing this book.
Each contributor wrote one or more section individually. Readers may notice the medical precision of one, the streak of humour of another, the stressed convictions of yet another. When it came to over-reading, editing and assembling however, all were equally involved. In this way it was hoped to make everything up-to-date and accurate, simple enough for those who like it that way, but academic enough for those who wanted precise details, opinions and clinical background. The human touch of the sympathetic physician was, hopefully, retained, - yet a thread of humour was allowed to run where it chose, - happy sex never being far from good-natured amusement as the prodigious number of sexy jokes asserts.
NOTE: Other books by members of the Editorial Board have been mentioned in the text and in some cases quoted from. Those that are currently available may be found mentioned in the Sources Lists [See end pages].
The book will, throughout, deliberately and unashamedly advocate the maximum enjoyment of sex with the most wholehearted indulgence of its endless and varied delights. At the same time it has, as a basic premise, an aim to promote the enormous benefits and safeties of long-term relationships founded on fidelity and devotion.
The motive for this is not some kind of romantic-idealistic view of sexual philosophy. It is because the vital association of sex and fidelity comprises a biological blue-print for survival in a world growing increasingly overcrowded and hazardous.
With this constantly in mind the overall aim is to explain and dismiss myths and nonsense that taint questions of sex, and to achieve a more balanced, mutual and,.. yes, more natural, form of both life and sex as these are available today.
None of our contributors nor the Editorial Board in general has any undeclared interest, financial or otherwise, in any of the products mentioned or recommended in this book. Inclusion has been earned solely and entirely on grounds of merit and value for money. Everything included has been within the experience of one or more contributors and has additionally had to satisfy all other board members.
The information contained in this book is not routinely disseminated to the public. It is made available to you solely as a result of your personal request either as a health professional or a seriously interested student of its content matter. It is not to be construed in any way to be advertising, labelling or promotion of any products or techniques mentioned or any theories held by the authors. It is not the intent of the authors, publishers or distributors to endorse or recommend any of the claims or techniques reported but merely to apprise you of the data and of the status of existing research in this area.
The use or employment of any technique, substance or combination of substances referred to in this book, any applications thereof in any manner, or the encouragement of others to use or employ such substances or acts, could contravene legal proscription in certain jurisdictions. Further, there being absent any tests or evaluations upon the efficacy of the use or employment of substances or applications which meet current standards of regulatory authorities, all materials or combinations and their applications as herein reported are to be regarded as strictly anecdotal.
Results from any use or practice herein reported contain no warranty of fact and the authors, publishers and distributors specifically enjoin any person from duplicating any act or consuming any substance described herein.
The content herein does not constitute any endorsement or recommendation by the author, publishers or distributors who each and all hereby disclaim responsibility for results which may ensue from replication of acts or ingestion of substances herein described and incorporate this caveat in each and every paragraph as though incorporated as part thereof.
What's it all about,.. this darned sex business? Wouldn't we be better off without it? Why bother? Look at all the trouble it causes. Some people say that it, not power or even the love of money, is the root of all evil. These are all fair but superfluous questions. Sex is here. We're all designed for it. And we must all take one or other course of action in relation to it. That is biological. So let's look at the biology of it all,.. for biology dictates so much of what we are and what we do.
Human nature they say, is the reason most people behave like animals! The real reason is that that is just what we are. Whatever the noble edifice into which we try to build ourselves up from our foundation, that foundation is and remains entirely animal. Deep down, our motivations, our behaviour patterns and our integral biochemistry follow the evolved pattern of millions of years of animal characteristics. We share all the basic characteristics of life with all other living animals. Such however has been the unsurpassed success of our species, human-beings or Homo sapiens sapiens, that that very success can blind us to the extent that we easily overlook our long, animal past. Overlooking it does it make it go away.
It is essential when considering our personal likes and dislikes, our wants and desires, to say nothing of our responses and impulses, to remember that man is first and foremost an animal, second a primate or ape, and third, that he is a predatory ape. All this means that he is a very 'high' animal, indeed so far the ‘highest’ evolved animal of all. But he is still, basically, an animal; and, as such, he is filled with animal instincts that emerge in many influential ways.
Man's evolution up to around ten thousand years ago was to the level of being a wandering, gregarious, omnivorous hunter-gatherer. In other words men moved in nomadic groups, eating everything they could hunt down, find already growing or steal. Biologically speaking man remains this, a killing animal of extremely high intelligence and adaptability geared to being competitive and dominant.
Then, ten thousand or so years ago man started to learn agriculture which enabled him not only to stay in one place where he could build long-term dwellings, but frequently gave him a surplus of food. That, for the first time, created the phenomenon of leisure. From these primitive beginnings society has developed along the lines of increasing discovery, knowledge and technology. We can use drugs, visit other planets, split atoms, construct thinking machines. In the last millennium, society and technology have evolved at an immense and ever-accelerating pace. Man himself, however, has evolved more or less not at all. Society is modern and technological. Man is still a predatory primate, a hunter-gatherer, a fundamentally competitive killer-ape. There has been nowhere near time enough in the last ten millennia for the exceedingly slow process of evolution to advance man at the same rate as he has advanced his technology.
This sounds and is a grim picture. But it is an instructive picture. By understanding this situation, we can comprehend our own conduct in many ways and consequently begin to influence it. One such way becomes instantly apparent,.. and helpful to the principles of this book.
To be best at hunting and killing, gathering and stealing, amongst the most useful things a man can have is a secure home lair to return to, to hide and rest in. We are evolved with that possession of a home-den base as a prime advantage.
Man the animal, then, is geared to plenty of sex and also to a secure base. It follows that the varied sexual repertoire within the long-term home-based relationship is biologically natural and desirable. This inclination is long-established in the genetic background. Anything which confronts this background, for example, celibacy, homosexuality, restrictive puritanism,.. is biologically abnormal,.. and is doomed to eventual biological failure. Promiscuity, though a natural urge, also produces its own problems and, as we shall see, much conflict with the desired optimum life-style results.
The male primate, including the human male, being instinctively promiscuous by nature, does not naturally tend to go off and leave his females accessible to other males. In human society we break this rule. Males do go off hunting, gathering, or, nowadays, to fight wars,.. or to the office to work. The potentially available females thus remain 'unsupervised' as well as unprotected for long periods. Their vulnerability spells danger to the species, its society and its biological success rate. Solutions to this problem had to be found and developed,.. and they were. They are the joint qualities of love and pair-bonding.
Pair-bonding is the long-term association, the partnership in everything, of a male and female of the species. It is not peculiar to humans,.. several other animals do it. Swans especially are famous for pair-bonding with total fidelity to each other for their entire joint lives.
In human society pair-bonding has become a highly successful biological norm. The male can leave the home or den and go to work, or hunting. He feels assured of his wife's or partner's loyalty. She retains her husband's or mate's support and protection; she also knows he will return to her and their children. Breakdowns in this mutually beneficial arrangement are fundamentally dangerous to the success of the family unit and to its individual members. If she is not loyal and is promiscuous during his absence,.. if he does not return to protect as a prime motivating factor, the entire unit is threatened to its disadvantage. One has only to consider societies in which family fragmentation has become commonplace, - UK and USA being two prime examples, - to be aware of its disastrous consequences.
Prominent amongst the ways nature has achieved the occurrence and substantiation of successful pair-bonding are the associated phenomena of sexual attraction and love. There can no longer be any serious doubt that both of these properties are now genetically pre-determined as propensities in the human pattern. In other words they have become 'written into' the genes.
Man has also adopted continuous breeding. There are cyclical variations in the breeding pattern but, in general, humans have no set breeding season. For them sex can be any time. This too is not accidental but highly advantageous,.. and is consequently developed to a marked degree. A fixed season could threaten successful pair-bonding as, if the housebound female were, for long intervals, sexually unapproachable there would be correspondingly reduced pressure on the male to return to her rather than seeking other partners.
There are vitally important lessons to be learned from these simple yet all-powerful biological features. Love, for example, matters immensely. Falling in love matters too though it is really little more than superficial sexual attraction. But that is the essential start point. Sexual reproduction, after all, is the genetic aim which is all important in continuing the species. Sexual attraction raises the possibility of a long-term pair being formed. From then on both sex and, increasingly, love, not only create the bonding potential but continually foster and strengthen it.
So, two equally significant factors arise. First, everything possible must be done to nurture the growth of love into every aspect of the relationship. Second, the eternal ability of sex to attract, soothe, please, and sustain the continuous increase of love assumes major importance. Sex and love are vitals. They are everyday essentials. Neither must be left to chance, neither must be neglected,.. they are both far too fundamental necessities. Both, and equally, must be cosseted, encouraged, fostered, developed, expanded as an enjoyable life-long duty. Therein lies strength and happiness. It is lamentable that so many 'experts' have failed to observe this simple truth!
However, in matters of sex and particularly in sexual medicine there have been too many experts doing little more than projecting their own sexual tendencies as if they were empirical truths. Some, promoting their preferred licentious promiscuity, have argued in favour of the excesses concealed behind the facade of the permissive society. The result in terms of wrecked marriages, dismayed children and diseased genitalia has been enormous. Others, terrified of their own sexuality, have sought to suppress everything from sexual freedoms to 'dirty' pictures. The resulting losses in terms of frustrated lives, frigid relationships and decaying egos have been colossal. Yet others are hopelessly confused into dichotomous argument. On the one hand they will say sex is wonderful, gentle, tender and beautiful and must at all costs not be enjoyed or even seen by children; on the other hand they will argue that sex is foul, depraved, disgusting and evil,.. and must be restricted to behaviour within the holy estate of matrimony. What nonsense all these views make when stripped of their wordy rhetoric. They are a warning about taking either dedicated doctors' or bee-in-the-bonnet theorists' ideas too seriously.
In Sexual Medicine there is a further, major built-in danger. In general it is believed otherwise, but it is simply not the case that doctors as a whole know much more about sex than the rest of the population. They have more knowledge of the anatomy, the physiology, the bio-chemistry,.. but seldom do they know much more about the complex emotional aspects of sex. Furthermore, many doctors find it impossible to dissociate their own personal deviations, biases, confusions, religions, upbringing and hang-ups,.. which are every bit as great as in other people. It is always hard for the blind to lead the blind.
So important, so complex, and so hedged around with confusions is the whole subject of sex that it is one gigantic hazard zone. Boredom can destroy it. Problems of great power beset it. Miseries long, varied and erosive derive from it. That is the bad news. The good news is that almost all the bad things can be prevented, most can be delayed, the vast majority can be cured. If only we could eradicate the mythical nonsense surrounding the subject, we would be a long way along the road to solving the problems.
The overall view an individual has of appearance [shape, colour, posture, clothing etc.] is spoken of as the Body Image [BI]. It is one of the greatest sources of human dissatisfaction and Body Image Problems [BIP] are practically universal. This is the explanation for the vast industry geared to improving image,.. dyes to colour the hair, plastic surgery, hair curlers and straighteners, slimming diets, corsetry, high-lift shoes, padded bras, fancy spectacles, haute couture and efforts to achieve penis enlargement.
Many BIPs are associated with primary or secondary sexual characteristics. Effectively to improve these is to enhance one's sexual image and therefore one’s attractiveness to the opposite sex. Attention to other features is seldom effective and is more a declaration of under-confidence and low self-esteem. Consequent upon this there are a few points of advice concerning BI improvement:-
2. Recognise the biologically proven factors. At a distance men notice the bulge of a hip/bottom far more than long tresses or fashionable dresses. Close up they are more affected by eye movements than either of these. Women notice carriage and bearing more than baldness or a smart suit.
Just like other animals, humans signal to each other in many other ways than obvious speech communication. One of these ways is known as 'body-language.' It is a fundamental biological phenomenon, though little known, and often not recognised. Nevertheless, everyone does it, largely unconsciously, most of the time. There seems to be an innate desire, at least occasionally and briefly, to escape our sophisticated environment and return to simpler, even animal, places, actions and behaviour patterns. [Why else does a mathematics professor spend hundreds of pounds flying thousands of miles in a vast supersonic machine,.. to spend his holiday on a beach collecting shells?]
Some body language is either inborn or so instinctive that it appears so. For example, a person invariably folds his or her hands with the same thumb uppermost, but can't say which without trying it. Other actions are very obviously inborn. Examples include the suck action and the pursed-lips welcome/kissing signal that persists from it into adult life and behaviour. Similarly, even babies who are deaf-blind from birth and therefore cannot learn such, will smile, frown and cry. World-wide, on meeting, humans swiftly flick up the eyebrows in a signal we share with other primates.
Sexually associated body language is of two main types though there are overlaps. These are gender signals and overtly sexual signals. Apart from those that are plainly obvious gender signals the list will include:-
The person who emphasises these aspects can strongly influence the impression of themselves on, and the consequent response in, other humans. Other added refinements enhance the image. When passing closely males twist towards one another whereas females twist away. Males stand aggressively, feet apart; females keep legs together and feet parallel or toes-in. Although passing fashions may temporarily alter things men normally have heavy shoes or boots, women have small, tighter-fitting shoes. Males cross legs at the knee, women more often at the ankle or by twining. Men appear in public with cigarettes or pipe; feminine females, never. Men have trousers and many pockets. Women have skirts, few pockets and handbags.
There are occasional anomalies. These are very obvious in the maleness signals of receding hair-line and the potbelly look. In nature the desirable, successful survivor and therefore the most permanently desirable mate, is mature, pot-bellied and balding. These are very ancient and very strong body signals to receptive females. In recent years this success-image has clashed with a fashionable [and temporary] age-image. The result has been a colossal surge in methods to hide baldness and trim waist lines. Such strenuous and costly efforts will only affect a smaller, some might say, less desirable spectrum of females. The deeper, more primitive appeal of the receding grey hair and the ample middle is far more successful over a far wider spectrum.
Actual sexual signals are designed to find, attract, arouse and bond a mate. After early 'cruising' usually in groups, individual contacts are made and steady separation from the group occurs. Group activities,.. females leading with giggles, shrieks, face-hiding and carefully not noticing the males,.. males following, scrapping, posturing and taunting,... then come to an end. Group activities like dances and formal balls intended to speed up the process become of lessening appeal. Individual relationships commence and steadily grow.
Signs of progress in a sexual relationship are marked, and can be recognised by the sequence of increasingly intimate contact increasingly permitted and reciprocated. If these do not occur they are a sign that one or other partner is resisting progress. If they do occur they signal consent to progress.
The usual approximate sequence is,.. eye-to-body looking, eye-to-eye contacting, specifically voice to individual speech, disguised ['accidental'] touching, undisguised touching, more intimate touching [arm, shoulders, waist], head-to-head approach, mouth-to-head contact, mouth-to-mouth contact, hand-to-head contact, hand-to-body contact. This is all discussed in greater detail elsewhere.
Humans, being continuous breeders rather than seasonal, exercise body language of a sexual nature more than most higher animals. Even the reasons for different coat-buttoning of the sexes have deeper significance than most ever imagine. Throughout life there is a pattern. The extreme love-bond of infancy with all its cuddling and stroking gives way to reduced contact and eventual departure from the intimate family unit; later, with a partner, all is gradually resumed as in the sequence above. Even orgasm, virtually unknown in all but humans, is pleasure-yielding only as a biological route to pair-bonding. An understanding of body language in all its varieties is vital to the sexual expert.