DR.RICHARD SILURIAN MD
---AGE and SEX---
How YOU Can Achieve a
Longer and Stronger Sex Life.
A Comprehensive Guide to Sex
in Middle and Older Age Groups.
* * *
'AN ASTONISHING EYE-OPENER!'
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British Library and Library of Congress Registered
ISB Number: 1 874069 15 8
No.1, CT13 9DL
Statement of Intent
Chapter One : Love and Sex,.. the Connection
Chapter Two : Overview
Chapter Three : Age,.. Blight or Blessing
Chapter Four : Come Back Sex,.. all is forgiven
Chapter Five : So, What Did You Expect?
Chapter Six : Advanced Sex
Chapter Seven : The Cooling Nest
Chapter Eight : Erotic Age
Chapter Nine : The Healthy Appetite
Chapter Ten : The Magical Extras
Conclusion,.. and Parting Thoughts
* * *
This is an unusual book,... a very special volume. It deals openly and candidly with subject material that is rarely seen in print,... material that offends some, is ignored by many,... but affects all. As such it merits that the basic platform of the book, the standpoint of its writer, and the terms of reference and aims, are explained at the very start.
STATEMENT OF INTENT
The book will, throughout, deliberately and unashamedly advocate the maximum enjoyment of sex with the most wholehearted indulgence and the positive relishing of its endless and varied delights. At the same time it has a basic premise,.. an aim to promote the enormous benefits and safeties of long-term relationships founded on fidelity and devotion.
The motive for this is not some kind of romantic-idealistic view of sexual philosophy. It is because the vital association of sex and fidelity comprises a biological blue-print for success and survival in a world growing increasingly overcrowded and hazardous.
With this constantly in mind the overall aim is to explain and dismiss myths and nonsense that taint the question of sex and age, and to achieve a more balanced, unblemished, mutual and,.. yes, more natural, form of both life and sex as these are available to the no-longer-young person.
* * *
Love and Sex,.. the Connection
Love,.. They say that Love is like Measles,.. all the worse when it comes later in life!
Well, you can argue that little witticism as much as you like. But this book is here to tell you one very practical thing. Whatever you say or think about love in later life, its other side, namely sex, is the exact opposite. For sex is all the better when it comes later in life.
There is an astonishing old load of myths surrounding the subject of sex; we shall deal with and demolish lots of them later on. And there is a concentration of nonsensical ideas that are associated especially with the idea of sex during the after-youth phase. They too are long overdue for a spot of demolition work.
For the blunt truth of the matter is that youthful sex, the dewy-fresh approach of teenage innocence,.. where that can still be found,.. the beefy, brash, steam-bath sex of the adolescent, even the wayward wanderings of early adulthood,.. all of these are nothing better than mere beginners in the overall panoply of sex. There is no truer phrase than that life begins at forty,.. and that is true of sex-life too. However, it is only after fifty that sex really starts its greatest phase of all. And even then there remain a few ifs and buts.
Nevertheless, let us make the standpoint of this book perfectly plain. The basic premise here is that sex is a good, happy, natural and wholesome business and deserves every encouragement. Sadly, it is often ruined by wrong attitudes and disablingly inaccurate education. Social features and religious taboos also contribute. It is not generally known that millions of marriages in Western society today are never consummated. They are, throughout their duration, totally sexless. The partners in these sterile arrangements are commonly too ashamed, too shy or too confused even to discuss their problems. Doctors are embarrassed, counsellors unaware, other members of the community ignorant. Yet for these married celibates there is no sex. Other couples have the kind of sex which is limited, grudging, often furtive,.. and drastically unrewarding.
That is a lamentable state of affairs to exist in these early years of the Twenty First Century.
* * *
Sex,.. the natural repository of that overwhelming, universal urge to reproduce, is perhaps the most fundamental and impelling feature of all animal, and therefore human, behaviour. As sex is beset and encompassed by all the taboos, ignorance and restrictive mystiques that have been ingrained and re-enforced since infancy, there has been ensured a massive repression of this most profound urge,.. a positive triumph of what we have termed sexophistry.
Such a situation comprises one of the best possible examples of the old paradox,.. what happens when an irresistible force strikes an immovable object. The result, in humans, is usually a state of unresolved conflict,.. utter confusion and a failure to cope with or even face the problem or find a solution. As a consequence, in many instances, the final response is to back off,.. to encourage disinterest,.. to curtail the problematical sex-life even at the expense of foregoing its pleasures altogether.
In young people this is the state of affairs so often encountered. Ignorant and puzzled, they acquire little experience of sex and never develop the comforts of familiar confidence. When love sweeps them off their feet the sexual urge overpowers everything else and it triumphs,.. but, just for a while. Soon after the bursting enthusiasm of the first, burning desire has eased, once the babies arrive, once life settles into regular, less frenzied patterns, then sexual inhibitions re-assert themselves.
They may well then last for years. A prolonged, sterile sex-life plumbs the depths of boredom and provides the scenario for useless friction, unhappiness and overt hostilities. Instead of sex being the life-long pleasure it can certainly be it devolves into at best a non-existent dream,.. at worst a perpetual battleground.
But there is another chance. It comes from the greater balance that can be achieved with approaching maturity. The older person can be better informed, more confident, less prone to confusing conflicts. As the second half of life is entered, there is a renewed opportunity. It is one of the hopes of this book that it will reveal that opportunity.
Too often in the past the pursuit of sexual ecstasy, great and desirable though that is, has been proclaimed at too high a price. The idea that all people should be hell-bent on perpetually nibbling at the fringe of the Permissive Society has been overdone,.. often by self-appointed, 'expert' proponents of sexual freedoms. One of the results has been an inevitable cheapening of sex,.. the idea that it and it alone is the ultimate human aim.
Sex is not that, for all its undoubted importance. And along with the headlong promiscuity has come an increase in venereal diseases. Herpes, when it arrived a decade or so ago, shook the sexual devotees of the entire planet. But they recovered and, after a few years, 'normal services' were resumed. Then came AIDS, a problem of infinitely greater severity and one which looks capable of decimating the population of the earth within the next century.
At first sight it may seem that here we have another serious clash of principles. While sex, more and varied, is to be encouraged,.. when it is, then too comes disease and death from AIDS. Happily there is a third path. Pre-marital chastity and marital monogamy are old-fashioned concepts. On their own they are still potential disaster areas. But, they are the two prongs of the new counter-attack. For when, instead of being exercised alone, they are associated with an all-out onslaught on relishing and enjoying sex at the same time, they can and do triumph. In other words, the solution to be aimed at is fabulous sex within a prolonged and stable relationship. And these two requirements match each other absolutely perfectly. They might have been designed for each other.
A fresh, open attitude to sex is essential. Folk must realise that it is all kinds of great. They must dispel the nonsense and learn about it seriously. They must pursue its aims and become educated in its potential and its methods. All of these yield safe, secure sex for the enlightened couple,.. all through their lives and well into their later decades.
The single, long-term relationship replaces the frequent and casual. This allows a couple time to learn, practice and compromise. The huge repertoire of sex can be sampled, adopted, adapted, savoured. There is chance to become extremely skilled with the chosen partner. Their and your own preferences can be observed, caused, experienced and indulged. The prestige and pride of actually causing another's delight is a reward known to remarkably few.
A major problem in long-term sexual relationships is boredom. Sex can become repetitive and very boring indeed. But this is not essential. It does not have to be that way. The alternative is never-ending progress. Think for a moment of the average persons number of fucks in a life-long marriage. From say, twenty five to seventy five, there is an estimated overall frequency of around five in every fifteen days,.. that is some six thousand all told. Now, however much you like it, if you eat your favourite food that many times in a row,.. or even wear your favourite pair of shoes, you might grow a little bored.
How very much better to insert the variety that rests, relaxes, renews and re-invigorates. That way, the older lover learns to become the kind of person whose mid-life crisis took place at about thirty two,.. and life and sex have been getting better and better all the time since. There is no more need to be the kind of old couple whose only thrill is when he rubs her with the Ralgex. To borrow a saying from the motor trade, there may be a lot of miles on the clock,.. but still plenty of meat on the tyres. Or, as one white-haired couple who are well-known to me put it,.. there may be a little snow on the roof,.. but there's a good, warm fire in the cellar.
* * *
To embark upon this very different route for sex in marriage there must be a sustained attack on crippling myths. As the American homespun philosopher, Josh Billings, used to explain, 'the problem with folk is not so much what they don't know, but what they do know that just ain't so!' For example, there is no rule anywhere that says sex is only for the young and the able-bodied. It is time to rethink that prize piece of nonsense. Sex is for everyone who wants it. People who are rather older, or who are even frankly old, can still have and thoroughly enjoy sex. So can people with problems. They can overcome or get round problems. Plenty of handicapped folk do,.. those with arthritis, and blood pressure, those with amputations and porphyria; those with spina bifida and multiple sclerosis. Many of the old, the ill and the disabled can and do have sex,.. good sex,.. and enjoy every bit of it. This is even true of those who have had cardiac and pulmonary problems. A good guideline is, if you can walk upstairs, you can have sex. That applies to invalids, post-coronaries, multiple arthritics and many others.
It is unfortunate that the young and unenlightened often feel uncomfortable with the idea of Mum and Dad actually fucking,.. and heaven forbid Grandma and Grandpa. There is no logic or reasons in this. Sex in the old or the injured does not taint or corrupt society. It is not unhygienic, or offensive, or in any way wrong. After all, just because she is blind does that blind woman, of any age, lose the thrill of feeling a firm hand at her elbow crossing the road, a strong-armed embrace of her body,.. an erect penis in her hand? Not necessarily at all.
And how wrong are the misled young in their vague concept that sex is for them and not the old. How very wrong indeed. Figures show with absolute clarity that the reverse is actually the case. Although there are those with what is assessed as 'good' sex-lives (and we shall discuss that in broader detail later on), the level at which this good sex peaks is between the ages of fifty three and fifty eight. Furthermore, even in the sixty-five age group there is a higher incidence of 'good' sex-lifers than at the age group around thirty. (Note: these figures are not precise statistics,.. they are not intended to be. They are, however, figures collected painstakingly over more than two decades by the present writer and his colleagues. Figures from these sources will feature in several places throughout this text to illustrate various significant facts. It is of some satisfaction to the collectors that although their figures were frequently produced and published long before other, similar ones, these 'amateur' figures repeatedly displayed situations that were confirmed or only marginally differed from, by other better equipped and financed researchers, often years later).
In order to achieve this new, superior approach there is much to learn. Especially in those of older years much was missed or deliberately excluded from their education. They may not know such fundamentals as the vital role of redness in sexual attraction,.. the significance of the pink nipples, the penis head, the vaginal lips,.. their own lipstick. They may not understand or may feel too shy for the power of display and posturing,.. the woman's parted thighs, the man's flexed muscles and springing on his toes.
Sometimes the things we use, and instinctively assume to be attractive, are in fact not so. They may be the exact opposite,.. even deliberately contra-sexual. For example, much of haute couture for women tends to be anti-sexual, or at least anti-female-attractions. This need not be any surprise as much of it is designed by male homosexuals. Their underlying motivations are equally powerful and understandable, but may have very different instincts and aims from those of the heterosexual community. Caution is justified in all such contacts where there is potential difference due to cultural, intellectual and certainly sexual predilections.
Another major error that needs correction concerns female orgasm. Though all women are equipped for it only an estimated 50% have orgasmed by the age of 40. This because orgasm is, for many, a learned technique if the best is to be derived from it.
Ultimately one major factor is in the favour of those who, at any age, want to learn and have better sex. It is invariably easier and more fun to pursue pleasure than to resist it,.. (except in some environments where they say it is harder to find temptation then to resist it!).
The great thinkers Plato and Socrates agreed that in the Nature of Good the main single factor was Intelligence,.. but that a close second came Pleasure,.. including sensual. In general it is easier to have fun,.. and it is more fun.
This book will show that sexual needs and impulses are immeasurably powerful and rewarding. They do not cease to be these things when the joints grow stiff and the limbs become twisted any more than does the wish to hear music, to travel or to watch television.
The book will propose that man spends a lot of time cultivating his recent, loftier motives,.. and ignoring his and her basic, millions-of-years-old ones. This may be because the ancient overwhelming impulses are so powerful as to make both men and women feel rather afraid of them. It will show that nevertheless these basic urges are in every one of us. They are animal urges. They do matter and they matter in many ways that are scarcely at all altered by history and geography or by the changing features of societies. They are not vile or unpleasant. They are designed by Nature or the Almighty depending on how you see it. They are here and they are now. They must be used not neglected, accepted not denied, enjoyed not eschewed.
A wise English nobleman in the eighteenth century listed for his son the reasons why he should, if he needed a mistress, choose an older one. Chauvinistic by today's tainted standards, they in fact comprise the most excellent good sense. There is no reason why the suggestions should not similarly apply to old lovers as well as to mistresses. And even less reason for them not to be best of all applied to both man and woman together within a long, happy relationship.
In short then this book will tell the truth about the relevant parts of biology and physiology, of society and sex, of problems and how to beat them. Of how very, very good sex can be, how it can be better yet,.. and how you can have lots of it.
* * *
"What does it feel like to grow old?" the young man asked the old man.
The old man stroked his beard. "Not bad," he answered. "And for sure it’s a lot better than the only known alternative."
Silly question, smart answer? Age is one of the very few absolute certainties in life. It will happen. It will increase. We will all get older until we are old. This is a fact we shall not seek to avoid in these pages, but shall confront and try to instil with a new, vastly more optimistic aura.
No one likes the idea of age; some simply hate it. Some fight a rear-guard action, resisting every step of the way. Some deny it altogether. Some grow old gracefully.
But when is age? And when is old? In biblical terms the allotted human life span of three score years and ten means that half-way, that is middle-age, will be at around thirty five. Yet today we think that ridiculous. To all but teenagers, thirty five years old is young; middle age doesn't even start until going on fifty. Yet everyone knows people who have always seemed old; people who are set in their ways, staid and slow, who appear to have had one foot in the grave since their thirties.
Much of the matter of age is a question of role playing. Parenthood, the passing of the decades,.. thirty, forty, fifty, are stepping stones or markers that imply certain kinds of behaviour influences. There is no infallible logic about that. The advantage of getting older is that it should go hand in glove with getting smarter. The person who is older, wiser,.. old enough for this book to matter and to be a source of enlightenment,.. the person who no longer feels guilty, ashamed, under confident and as small as an egg-cup,.. that is the person who will learn, try new things, experiment with sex and all thoughts and matters sexual,.. who will get a new lease of life, and of sex life.
So let's look at the biology of it all,.. for biology dictates so much of what we are and what we do.
Human nature they say, is the reason most people behave like animals! The real reason is that that is just what we are. Whatever the noble edifice into which we build ourselves up from our foundation, that foundation is and remains entirely animal. Deep down, our motivations, our behaviour patterns and our most integral biochemistry follows the evolved pattern of millions of years of animal characteristics. We share all the basic characteristics of life with all other living animals. Such however has been the unsurpassed success of our species, human-beings or Homo sapiens sapiens, that that very success can blind us to the extent that we overlook our long, animal past. Overlooking it doesn’t make it go away.
It is essential when considering our personal likes and dislikes, our wants and desires, to say nothing of our responses and impulses, to remember that man is first and foremost an animal, second a primate or ape, and third, that he is a predatory ape. All this means that he is a very 'high' animal, indeed so far the highest evolved animal of all. But he is still, basically, an animal with animal instincts that emerge in many influential ways. [Price: £5 (GBP) or €7 (euros) or $8 (USD)]
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