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THE MALE CHAUVINIST'S COOK-BOOK
[Author, Physician, Surgeon and Hit-Man [Part-time,Gold Medal, Ret’d]
Ably assisted by
'Surly' Shirly Pardoner
500 recipes, tips, ideas and general clues
for getting her into bed,.. and feeding her too.
A book of easy to win,.. and easy to score techniques.
LADIES,.. SUGGEST - DO KEEP OUT!
1, The Butchery
England. CT13 9DL
To all those delectable and enjoyable ladies who, knowingly
or unknowingly, contributed to the research for
this highly educational volume,...
[PS: We acknowledge and give heartfelt thanks to those whose ideas and material we have so mercilessly pillaged, to those multiple episodes of acute gastro-interruptus occasioned during the experimental phases and to the colleagues who have been so generous with their mainly unprintable suggestions. Indeed, most of the errors in this book are due to their unsolicited advice, confusing obfuscation and meddlesome tamperings.]
And, finally, to our typists, whose dedicated efforts, careful attention to de&tail and skillfull w*rk transmuted a rougfly illegibal scrawl into the finished boo$.
Add to all that the multiplicity of self-appointed proof readers and editors and you'll see why we accept no responsibility for errors in the material hereinunder appearing.
[She says: But, Ladies, be warned,..
I feel it my duty,.. as a tender, kind and loving female, to enlighten and warn the readers of this male-biased cookbook with a few true additions, facts and words that come from deep in my soul,.. my heart or thereabouts. These are words of wisdom and guidance for the unassuming, shy lady who could otherwise so easily be taken in (to kitchen or bedroom as the opportunity may arise) by this self-opinionated, lecherous, chauvinist, sonofanasshole,.. who takes my personal, life-time 1st.Prize for all these qualities!
Furthermore, it’s true,.. your author has been a fully qualified British doctor of medicine for some decades. And he is an author, having written about thirty books and literally thousands of articles for magazines all over the world. Lastly, he really was thrown into a foreign jail accused of being a hit-man. Sadly the subject of his ‘hit’ was then found to be alive and well and living in London. And that, he insists, was the only hit he was actually caught for,.. little do they know!!
So,.. Ladies,.. study the book with care and a considerable amount of trepidation. There really are born-again pagan bachelor bastards like this about].
Professor Rex Munday MCP
" ... to Life, Liberty and
the Happiness of Pursuit."
[USA Declaration of Independents] (Roughly)
I can't imagine why any sane person would ask me to write the foreword to a book they hoped actually to sell. I've only ever written one such before and that was done [for money] on the then avant garde concept of using therapeutically medicinal selenium. Somehow it seems a long way from selenium to the art of chauvinist cuisine. The only reason I can think of why they chose me, therefore, was that I'm cheap, friendly, very intellectual, no-one else wanted to get smeared by association, and, finally, because, instead of being one of these headless chicken city-dwellers I am, myself, such a low-down, lecherous, layabout, reactionary sonofabitch and male chauvinist pig. Those certainly all sound like qualifications to me.
On a good day I'd probably qualify as one of the most eminent professional reprobates in Europe. The truth is though, that, deep down, I'm rather superficial. I like to think that those two features make me at least unusual if not profoundly interesting. Anyway, I love getting the chance to talk about me so why don't we do just that for an all-too-short moment.
Although a heartless bastard who, despite the long and chequered career of disasters that make my life look like Toys-R-Us just blew up, I remain utterly unabashed, unashamed, unconcerned and unrepentant. I was not exactly born out of wedlock,.. but not actually very far in either and I not only don't hide it, I love it. Like your esteemed author, in my time I too have been a quack, a poet, a spy, a piano-player, an actor, a writer, a soldier and a mercenary. I've been a millionaire back when that meant something [twice] and I've been broke [often]. And according to Interpol I'll screw anything that moves, - which is why I've had all the castors taken off my furniture. Again like your highly-revered author, I too, have been busted, arrested, tried and convicted. I've been in jail once and in Heaven loads of times. I've been shot, knifed, struck off, half-drowned and chased by offended husbands, ignorant Joe Sixpacks, unctuous creeps in slick suits and dimwits who couldn't train ivy up a wall. Added to this I am, as aforesaid, a ruthless Male Chauvinist Pig. Whenever I could I've laid, played, slayed and delayed every eligible woman from legal age to post-maturity and from John o'Groats to Friday evening. I don't know or care about the difference between adultery and fornication, in fact, they both felt the same to me. Despite attendance at a first rate school until I was about fifteen the only Latin I ever knew was coitus interruptus. At the age of ten I used to be able to play six simultaneous games of chess,.. I always lost them all and, since then, I've enjoyed everything from spread-straight-from-the-fridge toasties to bed-hopping relics best forgotten and from rose-red cuties half as old as time to girls who went down on everything but the Titanic. Even the ones prepared to use three cocktail umbrellas as a bikini were all just bumps in the road to me. And I've loved every bloody minute of it all,.. and never felt the need to be bothered by regret, remorse or a working class conscience.
Someone once defined the ideal male modus operandi as ‘seduce ‘em, use ‘em, abuse ‘em and lose ‘em.’ I love collecting toothsome little morsels like that. So, when you read my words, you are getting the real thing,.. it’s all genuine chateau-bottled bullshit. You are getting it dead straight from a bastard who has nothing to hide and no punches to pull. I tell it just like it is. And throughout, I remain happy with the recollection that out there there are thousands of eligible convent girls running loose through the brothel of life and ripe to drop off into the manipulating hands of the polished seducer who first happens along. He is the one to pick them when they have the smile of innocence on their faces; thereupon he takes the innocence but leaves them the smile,.. for always.
Male chauvinism, supremacy, dominance, - call it what you will, - reigns supreme. That's the credo. That is how it was, is now and ever shall be,.. world without end, and all that. There is nothing unreasonable about this. After all, although now semi-domesticated, women remain the world's most widely distributed beast of prey. [Although there are rumours that they can be taught not to talk!]. I would hazard, indeed, that women should really be known as the un-fair sex.
So, while all else changes, the life of headlong indulgence of sexual gratification, the exploitation of women in pursuit of that gratification, and the association of both with fine booze and victuals,.. one foot in the grave the other in a bottle,.. remains one of the loftiest aspirations of mankind. In a nutshell, the world, its wonders and its women are all here for the enjoyment of the men good enough and bold enough to take them.
The present book thoroughly extols this splendid virtue. I congratulate its authors, I commend its principles and I relish its practice.
[Sssh-h-h,.. if you try you can hear Freud groaning all the way from Vienna].
Good Hunting, Gentlemen, one and all.
PS: I was asked to provide, from my huge experience, one really useful piece of advice. Here it is,.. ‘The time to get out is the first time you ask yourself when it'll be time to get out.’
STATEMENT OF INTENT
"Sexual satisfaction is the final solution to human ills."
W.Reich. [Yes, that W.Reich!]
"Never fuck the hired help."
SS.Gen.Sep Dietrich III, 1942
[of the other Reich]
The trouble with telling the truth is that it can get you into a lot more trouble than telling lies. Galileo found that out. So did Judas, Cassandra and Joan of Arc. Dr.Reich (above) was one of the most advanced and accurate psychological thinkers in history and within the lifetime of the current generation he died, in jail, because he offended so many people with the truths he unearthed and he left it too late to make a run for the border.
Perhaps the greatest of these truths was the discovery that that most persistently troublesome and confusing human symptom, neurosis, was nearly always the direct result of opposing the sex-drive instilled in us by nature.
As far as nature is concerned, sexual gratification is the power-house of endeavour. It is the irresistible force. Suppressing it is like boiling a kettle with the spout bunged up. The pressure will burst out somewhere, and usually somewhere less desirable. So it is with sex. Properly nurtured and satisfied, it is wonderful. Thwart it and horrible consequences arise in all kinds of unexpected aspects of the psyche. Spots, rashes, hay-fever, asthma, stress diseases, heart attacks, gin-addiction, headaches, over-eating, stomach ulcers, diarrhoea and other ailments like prolonged inability to prevent socks from falling down comprise the major portion of the spectrum of cases in the average medical waiting room. Many appear to have other causes, but these are generally only superficial. The girl with heavy periods is told they are an anxiety symptom because of the sadistic manageress she works for. The fact is she could cope with that stress if she were not already chewed up with guilt because she jerks off a lot. The bank manager's heart attack was because of pressure of work, they said, - but he could have managed that easily were it not for the fact that he had a timid nature and high sex drive,.. and his wife only came across once a month and then with her curlers in. Did they but know it folks like this are in deep shit,.. and on a rising tide, - already up to the eyeballs and sinking.
Freud and Jung and Adler and others all knew all about this too, but they were smarter and kept it fairly quiet. Reich blabbed fearlessly and tried to do something about it. He totally underestimated the power of the factions he was offending. So he was the one who landed in the slammer on trumped up charges.
The burthen of the great truth, he explained, was that the only way to cure or prevent troublesome neuroses was by ‘full genital satisfaction.’ Now there it is in a nutshell. That is the raison d'etre for the Male Chauvinist's Cookbook. No ifs, buts or maybes,.. no punches pulled or beatings about of the bush. It is our wish to assist in a sudden re-awakening, to encourage a casting off of the mantle of nonsensical gibberish that has surrounded normal sex for so many generations and to offer a massive contribution to the movement for progress towards reality and the natural course of human events. Nothing less.
It is advantageous then, to bear in mind that until a couple of generations ago,.. and well within the present writer’s memory, women were almost never made love to. They were clumsily poked by men as ignorant as themselves. As a result, when, later, someone got around to making love to them properly it was, effectively, their very first time and the whole thing was a revelation. At that stage they’ll fall for you like sparrows.
This Statement of Intent, then, hereby proclaims its aim,.. to reduce the level of human misery and to extrapolate all trends to happiness by encouraging, in every way, absolutely thorough 'genital satisfaction' [and, at the same time or thereabouts, gastric, too]. And that's that.
We don't care to get involved in a lot of sociological mumbo-jumbo and psychological jargonbabble. That does more harm than good. For example, the narcissistic female magazines nowadays are so endlessly whining on about female orgasm that they scare millions of girls out of those delights from sheer trying too hard. Men don't allow this problem which is why they seldom need to fake orgasm.
What is more, humans have a pecking order just like chickens. They also have similar 'orders' in other things. For example, if a bloke is small, ugly and financially unsuccessful he is, automatically, low on the Fuck-list or fucking order. So is a girl who is ugly,.. you know the kind,.. one look at her and you know you can make it through life without her. Throughout their lives these folk are not going to get much chance and not much choice either.
Nevertheless, if you are in this category, remember that comforting saying that 'Everyone can get laid; it's just a question of lowering your standards.' So, that huge, flabby, old tub-o-guts with hair on her chin and a beard under each arm who is sitting opposite you in the tube might be thrilled down to panties level to greet and welcome you, but, be sure though that she will be new to the game and will have had very little,.. like none at all in all probability,.. useful experience. So try to get the picture. Imagine her, if you can face it, sitting on her hands, the bed sagging beneath her, with her blubber all a-quiver with excitement and her,... ugh! No, let's stop there and wonder for a moment. Is it worth it? Yes, it probably is.
Now, where were we? Oh yes,..
In a word or so then,.. all this Political Correctness is not for us; it's a contradiction in terms anyway. We reject it utterly and pour scorn upon it from a great height. If the things you read here make all four cheeks blush at the same time,.. then close the book.
(She says: How can you tell when a career girl orgasms?
He says: Who gives a shit?).
So, to hell and back with media nonsense and feminist claptrap. We propose, in these pages, to storm those few remaining bastions of neolithic thinking. The book is by a He-Who-Loves-It and a She-Who-Lives-For-It,.. and we don't mean just food. Together we've established the Chauvinist's Prime Directives
1. Sex and Food, Food and Sex,..
let nothing come between them.
2. Capture the stomach and the body and soul will follow.
Old Dr.Johnson allegedly said that he liked to eat in good company, drink in good company and go to bed with,... a contented mind. We try to go one further. Our intentions are entirely and flagrantly dishonourable. Our joint aim in these pages is to get as many people as possible well met, well fed, and well bedded.
[or oeuvre to you]
‘The kitchen is the one place in the world
where men are as good as they think.’
Abu Hassan ben Goldberg
Now, let's get one thing understood from the start. By its very nature, chauvinism, or, to be more accurate from the standpoint of this book and its authors, Chauvinism,.. needs no defence, and certainly no apologies. None at all. It is in the natural order of things. And that's all there is to be said about it.
On the other hand, as with many other natural phenomena,.. like relativity, entropy and Sod's Law, to the uninformed, prejudiced or otherwise confused, whereas chauvinism never needs an excuse, it may need a little explanation.
There are but two natural aims in the order of things,.. self-preservation and self-propagation. Put another way, these are looking after Number One and breeding from Number One. Indeed, it is eminently arguable that the former is only important in order that the latter can be achieved. Plenty of what the Good Book calls 'begatting' is what's needed. What really matters, when it’s all boiled down to the bottom of the pot, is that the next generation gets produced. This is the fundamental purpose of nature. Consequently, it must be given every possible help. One of the main reasons why the process is so wonderfully enjoyable has that same aim in mind,.. namely, to ensure that a spot of breeding is so nice, so fascinating and so desirable that everyone wants to get on with it with as many co-operative partners as possible. We ask you, who are we to oppose such a vast, eternal plan?
The prime directive of all existence then, is something that makes you feel just great. It is plainly our duty to further this joint aim of man, the Gods and Old Mother Nature. We are impelled by enormous forces to enjoy ourselves. That must be the definition of sheer Paradise. It couldn't be better, could it? It's too good to be true,.. we hear you say. And you are right.
It is too good to be true,.. or it should be. But it isn't. Somewhere along the line a load of interfering busybodies went and spoiled it,.. almost. They surrounded this wonderfully delightful natural urge with all kinds of taboos, threats, sins, guilts, punishments and other dire consequences. By some freak the idiotic and hopelessly unnatural words of the 'Thou-Shalt-Not' Brigade were heeded. Churchianity took over. The desirable, natural and enjoyable sexual impulse became a matter for dirty, furtive and confused associations. Multiple sexual hatreds were encouraged by generations of envy from those who, for one reason or another, couldn't get or enjoy enough for themselves.
Instead of being free, frequent and natural, sex became nasty, wicked and evil. Paradise was indeed lost.
Here and now we are out to change all that. There are endless ways for Paradise to be regained. To start with most of mankind's vital needs are astonishingly simple. We need only water to drink, tree bark and a few skins to wear, and a handful of fruit and veggies to eat. We need only air to breathe. But being as they are, people have always sought to expand, extend and improve these basic requirements. Everything has been embellished and developed. There is haute couture, designer jeans and sun-glasses, fragrant tobacco and flavoured drinks to suit every taste.
Sex and food have been similarly treated. It may only take a minute to gain an erection and inseminate a willing female. Most animals propagate their race with just such hapless brevity. Mankind alone has added every zestful variation, deviation and perversion. And when it comes to haute cuisine, its subtle combinations of flavours can equal the widest sexual repertoire. And how wonderfully these two broadest spectra of food and haute sex mix. And therein lies the raison d’etre of the Male Chauvinist Cook-Book.
The ultimate, unshakeable principle upon which the Male Chauvinist Cook-Book based is that
The road to the bedroom door,.. lies through the kitchen.
No-one must ever lose sight of this essential precept. Feminists, left-wing fellow-travellers, and all other similar Feminazis who tut-tut or academically differ, are to be totally ignored. This book is meant for the vast, nay,.. overwhelming, majority of men whom, despite the misguided moanings of trendy shrinks and less trendy feminists, have never, for a moment, felt even the tiniest bit threatened by any woman. Heaven spare us, at least in these pages, from cohorts of plain or downright ugly women endlessly dragging the cross of man's sheer dreadfulness towards their own chosen Golgotha and along a Via Dolorosa lined with keening sister wailers. To them, we say, quite bluntly, 'Sod off!' That kind of woman is only a life-support system for a pussy anyway. Here, we are interested far more in girls who go hump in the night. And we seek to offer them every facility that will enhance their exemplary conduct and sustain it well into their future.
The snag with so many of today's men is that the only mental exercise they get is jumping to conclusions or, physically, jogging back and forth between the fridge and the TV. For fifty years or so they have all been encouraged to believe that fundamentally female characteristics like caring, nurturing, and displaying emotions are aspirations of adulthood,.. that is of manhood as well as womanhood. Yet that is downright tommyrot,.. drivel of the lowest calibre. The male virtues, and there are plenty to choose from, are risk-taking, action, inventiveness, leadership, rationality, protective aggression and creativity,.. [which is why there are so few truly great female artists, writers, painters, sculptors, composers].
So, Man's position,.. and we mean not mankind's or womankind's, but man's,.. man's position in nature is at the burning edge of development, the peak of ability, and the highest level of dominance. He may forfeit that position, as an individual, by choice,.. if he is weak-minded, media-minded or one of these bearded, besandled and bespectacled New Age Fellow-Travellers, Eco-wimps, tofu nibblers, ozone nerds, save-the-whalers, or bed-wetting, guru-freak Friends of the Earth. You know the kind,.. ninnies such that if you wired their balls up in series they couldn't light an orphanage Christmas tree. That kind of an apology for a man will end up with a girl that, if his life were a movie, she'd be buried in the casting credits as something like 'Second Tall Woman', the sort who suffers severely from clitoral hypothermia. Alternatively, he may forfeit his position by neglect, or by choice if he doesn't care. He may forfeit by default if he allows his great natural urges to be satisfied only as a sort of marital prostitution whereby the price exacted is an erosion of his inborn male status. We have nothing but lip-curling contempt for these men who will never know the zest of fresh testosterone roasting around the camp fire. They are the ones who won't need this book; to these tacky looking pus jockeys real food is roast leg of vegetarian pizza with marinated oatcakes and Perrier Water. Most real men however, the fuck-anything-with-a-pulse types, only permit partial infringements of their position with a magnanimous feeling of kindly understanding and condescension, and only to chosen women,.. and even then only briefly.
In a sexual world hedged about with problems there are some facts of which sight must never be lost:-
1. Love is the exotic, pretty-pretty package that lust comes wrapped in.
2. All women are naked under their clothes,.. but nudity seldom deeply influences males over 25,.. and real men, never.
(She says: Anyway, if god had wanted us to see each other with nothing on, we'd have been born naked.)
3. Women are like booze. Too much can make you sick, but the first couple of shots are terrific.
4. There's a bit of the real woman in every woman, but not enough. You have to go around collecting the parts.
5. Never waste time on a woman who says she doesn't want to screw two days in a row.
6. Be careful never to go so far as winning a woman's heart. Once given to you, you can never get rid of the rest. And if she truly gives herself, it can be bloody hard persuading her ever to take herself back.
7. Only the young die good. The good quit when they realise there's no point in living if you have to be good.
8. Nothing surpasseth the love of a good woman, but sex cometh pretty damn close.
9. The four sources of male power and supremacy, in order, are head, pecker, pocket and fist.
10. A la carte is the opposite of monogamy.
11. Bigamy is having one wife too many,.. monogamy is much the same
12. The seventh commandment was meant to have read 'Thou shalt not admit adultery' only it lost something in the translation.
13. Helpmate always loses out to bedmate.
14. Women are often in error,.. but never in doubt.
And a very important thing to remember is this,.. a woman is capable of committing energetic adultery at one end and being tormented by grief and guilt at the other end,.. simultaneously,.. and while enjoying them both equally. They're funny things, Femunums. They're not like us.
We hold these truths to be self evident,.. that of all perversions, celibacy and chastity are the greatest. And the greatest of the deadly sins is to subject good, clean, healthy lust to the troublesome bonds of temporary, orthodox morality.
This then, is not a recipe book, even though a few brilliant culinary ideas are thrown in. It’s not really a cook-book at all. That is simply camouflage. It has sod-all to do with Cordon Bleu. It is simply and solely to impress victims and to make preparation for sex. Culinary or nutritional consequences are merely a bonus. It is not so much a book for those with 'Thou Shalt Not' written above the door,.. but for those with 'No Parking.'
And finally: Because our Editor insists on it,...
If you're playing away ALWAYS wear a condom.
(For sex that is, not necessarily for your actual cooking!)
The first part of the book, as above is free-to-read.
To purchase the rest of the book please use the PayPal button on each book
[Price: £5 (GBP) or €7 (euros) or $8 (USD)]
email < [email protected] > giving your address and personal details.
The book will then be emailed direct to your Inbox.